29 Years of Fears
In my 29 years of life, the only thing that has remained constant was change.
Change.
Nothing remained the same.
My friends, my living situation, my job, my body especially my hair.
Everything seem to change. Sometime for the better, some for the worse.
My body - worse.
My hair - better.
My friends - ehhh better.
My job - better.
My love life - worse.
*Random Rant Moment. If you noticed, well to my 5 followers if they are still on here, I haven't written a post in awhile. I have a huge fear. The fear of what other people think and say and how I use that to validate the importance of life. My life is not the most entertaining. Actually it's quite redundant and repetitive. Same old Love story, different characters. Always ending.- In heartbreak. I met this amazing guy on New Years Day. He had me thinking this was it. I had him thinking, I was it. We had each other fooled. But I will say this, if, IF, I would have known the outcome would be this, I would have passed on the entire situation. Seriously! Like who wants to continue to hear about heartbreak. Wait, who wants to continue to get their heart broken?? Oh wait! This guy here!! I wonder did I subconsciously sabotage my relationship? Because in my past or according to my relationship record, I am known for ending things or making sure that happy ever afters, don't happen. However, as I replay every disagreement, argument, conversation (I am actually playing it back in my head guys), I realized, I HAVE COME A GOT DANG VERY LONG WAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! I must commend myself on the progress. Now granted, me and that guy aren't together now - please believe me when I say it wasn't me. But I look back and think about past reactions and how I didn't react in the same manners as those behaviors before. NOW! Do I have some improving yes. That brings me to fear #2. Thanks to my coworker for acknowledging it, my fear of speaking aloud. Yes, I know. I know. I know what I said earlier about people validating my life, but she actually had a good point. I am a writer. I hide behind the pen?... Mouse? Screen - keyboard? New technology sayings. Anyways, when it comes to expressing my feelings and emotions to others, I do tend to shut down and get timid; words don't come out right. Especially, when the other person isn't being as receptive as they claim to be *Clears throat New Years Guy Dude *speaking cough "I am big on communication." No sir, you are big on hearing yourself talk. Anyways, so I wanted to face my fear. As I slept, well tried to sleep, I thought about different ways I could face my fear once and for all. Maybe I will write it down and then speak it back like a monologue; but then I thought he might get bored and fall asleep. Then I thought where would I speakiest this great monologue of feelings and emotions? House - private settings? Restaurant - public setting? Then I thought about it and said FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKK it, I'll just put it in a blog. He won't read it anyways!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My Love Life 2016
Started out great!! I made a Vision Board Resolution, that 2016 belongs to God and that he will guide my heart into a substantial, meaningful and lasting relationship/companionship. So this guy absolutely swept me off my feet. Lunch dates, afternoon dates, outings, true gentleman, chivalry at his finest, making future plans and trips! I mean amazing! But of course for the first 30 days, they are always in impress mode. Then came the INCIDENT. *insert dramatic music. In summary, I told him I didn't like a particular brand, and he brought it for me anyways and I asked him why? He gave me a foolish answer, asked for the gift back, I gave it back to him and he still can't get over it. ok. geez! I know. I know. Give it to me. Let me have it. Ungrateful, unappreciative, insensitive, ok whatever. Yea I heard it all from him and trust I felt awful but what I learned from that situation is, do not allow myself to fall victim to the guilt. At the very end of the day, he wasn't listening to me and appreciated my likes and he was forcing his opinion on me and it didn't work. Now, were I messed up is playing into that victim shit. I mean honey, he played that guilt card, game, song out!!!!!! And I played into it. I should have stood my ground and not backed down. Lesson learned. Fear #3 leaning into the more dominant personality rather than standing my ground, to please that person. It's a Pisces thing that needs to be conquered. Ok. So never the less, that set the tone for the remaining of our courtship and he knew exactly what buttons to push and what words to say up until now. Now, I had him figured out and I have to make a decision. Fear #4 being indecisive. Learning to make a decision and sticking to it. I decided to be his friend and I told him, only because, so much had happen and I thought he was a nice guy, but yea that's water under the bridge.
I didn't want to write this blog, only because it is another failed dating story, however, I am quite thankful for my dating stories, because it is allowing me to see other guys and learn about men and myself. Growing lessons. I heard my coworkers say, you aren't meant to be with one person for the rest of your life. At first I disagreed, but then I thought about it and said, they are right. Technically, I haven't been with one person, do I want too? NOW I do. But If I had to be with one person in my early 20's or even as a teenager up until now, yea I would have gotten tired of their ass and vice versa and be out here living in these streets being of this world. LOL!!! I kid. I kid.
My fears may have gotten the best of me over these last couple of years, but not no more! I have to stand for what I believe in and have confidence when I do. I will leave when the situation doesn't seem right or if I am feeling unwanted. I will bite back when bitten. I am not a little girl. Therefore these fears from 29 years living must be fought and conquered! I can do this!
Change.
Nothing remained the same.
Nothing.
My friends, my living situation, my job, my body especially my hair.
Everything seem to change. Sometime for the better, some for the worse.
My body - worse.
My hair - better.
My friends - ehhh better.
My job - better.
My love life - worse.
*Random Rant Moment. If you noticed, well to my 5 followers if they are still on here, I haven't written a post in awhile. I have a huge fear. The fear of what other people think and say and how I use that to validate the importance of life. My life is not the most entertaining. Actually it's quite redundant and repetitive. Same old Love story, different characters. Always ending.- In heartbreak. I met this amazing guy on New Years Day. He had me thinking this was it. I had him thinking, I was it. We had each other fooled. But I will say this, if, IF, I would have known the outcome would be this, I would have passed on the entire situation. Seriously! Like who wants to continue to hear about heartbreak. Wait, who wants to continue to get their heart broken?? Oh wait! This guy here!! I wonder did I subconsciously sabotage my relationship? Because in my past or according to my relationship record, I am known for ending things or making sure that happy ever afters, don't happen. However, as I replay every disagreement, argument, conversation (I am actually playing it back in my head guys), I realized, I HAVE COME A GOT DANG VERY LONG WAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! I must commend myself on the progress. Now granted, me and that guy aren't together now - please believe me when I say it wasn't me. But I look back and think about past reactions and how I didn't react in the same manners as those behaviors before. NOW! Do I have some improving yes. That brings me to fear #2. Thanks to my coworker for acknowledging it, my fear of speaking aloud. Yes, I know. I know. I know what I said earlier about people validating my life, but she actually had a good point. I am a writer. I hide behind the pen?... Mouse? Screen - keyboard? New technology sayings. Anyways, when it comes to expressing my feelings and emotions to others, I do tend to shut down and get timid; words don't come out right. Especially, when the other person isn't being as receptive as they claim to be *Clears throat New Years Guy Dude *speaking cough "I am big on communication." No sir, you are big on hearing yourself talk. Anyways, so I wanted to face my fear. As I slept, well tried to sleep, I thought about different ways I could face my fear once and for all. Maybe I will write it down and then speak it back like a monologue; but then I thought he might get bored and fall asleep. Then I thought where would I speakiest this great monologue of feelings and emotions? House - private settings? Restaurant - public setting? Then I thought about it and said FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKK it, I'll just put it in a blog. He won't read it anyways!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA.
My Love Life 2016
Started out great!! I made a Vision Board Resolution, that 2016 belongs to God and that he will guide my heart into a substantial, meaningful and lasting relationship/companionship. So this guy absolutely swept me off my feet. Lunch dates, afternoon dates, outings, true gentleman, chivalry at his finest, making future plans and trips! I mean amazing! But of course for the first 30 days, they are always in impress mode. Then came the INCIDENT. *insert dramatic music. In summary, I told him I didn't like a particular brand, and he brought it for me anyways and I asked him why? He gave me a foolish answer, asked for the gift back, I gave it back to him and he still can't get over it. ok. geez! I know. I know. Give it to me. Let me have it. Ungrateful, unappreciative, insensitive, ok whatever. Yea I heard it all from him and trust I felt awful but what I learned from that situation is, do not allow myself to fall victim to the guilt. At the very end of the day, he wasn't listening to me and appreciated my likes and he was forcing his opinion on me and it didn't work. Now, were I messed up is playing into that victim shit. I mean honey, he played that guilt card, game, song out!!!!!! And I played into it. I should have stood my ground and not backed down. Lesson learned. Fear #3 leaning into the more dominant personality rather than standing my ground, to please that person. It's a Pisces thing that needs to be conquered. Ok. So never the less, that set the tone for the remaining of our courtship and he knew exactly what buttons to push and what words to say up until now. Now, I had him figured out and I have to make a decision. Fear #4 being indecisive. Learning to make a decision and sticking to it. I decided to be his friend and I told him, only because, so much had happen and I thought he was a nice guy, but yea that's water under the bridge.
I didn't want to write this blog, only because it is another failed dating story, however, I am quite thankful for my dating stories, because it is allowing me to see other guys and learn about men and myself. Growing lessons. I heard my coworkers say, you aren't meant to be with one person for the rest of your life. At first I disagreed, but then I thought about it and said, they are right. Technically, I haven't been with one person, do I want too? NOW I do. But If I had to be with one person in my early 20's or even as a teenager up until now, yea I would have gotten tired of their ass and vice versa and be out here living in these streets being of this world. LOL!!! I kid. I kid.
My fears may have gotten the best of me over these last couple of years, but not no more! I have to stand for what I believe in and have confidence when I do. I will leave when the situation doesn't seem right or if I am feeling unwanted. I will bite back when bitten. I am not a little girl. Therefore these fears from 29 years living must be fought and conquered! I can do this!
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