Wrong Person

Took a trip Vegas with my mom and I was looking at other couples like: Awwww,  I wanna go on a couples trip to Vegas -not remembering that I went on, not only one but two couples trips and the recent one being only 6 months ago. 

Break ups are hard. Right? 

It’s like especially the longer you have been with someone. Realizing and needing to understand that people literally come into our lives for reasons and seasons. 

He’s always been around. Been stuck in the back pocket - but so have I. I allowed myself to constantly be accessible as well. However, I knew this was last time though. This was the final straw. I’m not the type to have male friends like that, especially at this point in my life. And this one, we dated in the past for some reason always kept in touch; things always ended nicely, so he remained a constant what if. 

Well the final time came along but unfortunately it still wasn’t right. And I knew it. I knew it wasn’t right but I had SOMETHING to prove. To myself, and who I thought to family and real friends. But little did I know, I didn’t have to prove shit. To no one.  

I wanted to prove that I was WORTHY of being in a relationship. That I could HAVE one, sustain and maintain one. To be able to say  “Look! See, that’s my boyfriend. Let me show you a picture.” Because that’s ass was never around me when it mattered the most.  

But because I had something to “prove” and someone to get over - yes - *insert super disappointed face- I was using him to get over someone else. 

Let’s pause for that someone else though. He seriously caught me by surprise. Everyone matched us together, but I constantly rejected it and I thought he did too (well apparently he did). However, he was a friend,  a supporter and all around just who I thought, just maybe! He was younger in age and I am not going to lie, I was phased and pressed, only because I thought we didn’t want the same thing in the same amount of time, only to find out he did want those things, just not with me. Super bummer right? Yea he ended up being one of those. Literally told me while we were on a date - at the beginning of the date at that “Your feelings are deeper for me than mine are for you.” My response: Oh ok. Okay. I was super Caught by surprise and caught off guard. Then he hit me with the “ Let’s still be friends” and because of our unique situation and circumstance, I allowed it. So because of that situation, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t put back into the we were friends first, crossed the line, uhhh it didn’t work but let’s be back friends oh yea and let flaunt my new girlfriend in your face. 

Soo anyways… when the old fling decided to come back into my life, I wasn’t having it again. Like I was determined to be in a relationship. Literally I said, if you can’t be in a relationship then we can’t be friends. Yes. I did the all or nothing deal. Was it a good deal, ehhhhh looking back on it. Perhaps … Maybe not. Ehhh still contemplating. Like he was a good friend. But what would happen once he got into a new relationship and I got into a new relationship, our friendship will end. That’s the honest truth. 

But anyways I feel like because I was not completely over the other one, I didn’t allow myself truth and clarity into the “new” relationship. I allowed a lot of things that I should not have. I asked him to do things that I shouldn’t have had to ask. This I knew then and I know now but because I didn’t want to be single and look lonely, I settled. I caused soo much hurt and pain in our relationship because I forced something that I thought would help me. It was selfish of me and I avoided all the red flags. They were there. But I took it as, maybe he will come around. Maybe it will get better. Maybe I would come around. Maybe I’ll get better. And it got better for a little. We started to listen to each other and then we realized it just wasn’t meant to be. I wasn’t the one for him and he wasn’t the one for me (I knew this though and so did he). I was so unhappy in that relationship, yet I stayed until I forced out. 

Damn. Ain’t that a bitch. 

So yea it hurt. Shit it still hurts. The betrayal that was committed from both of us. I betrayed him with thinking I was interested in him and he betrayed me. We are not bad people, we were just with the wrong person.